Firstly, when you find yourself reading this letter, I hope that you are well, healthy and happy in whatever direction your life has taken you. I am deeply saddened that I have not had the pleasure of watching you grow-up and become the—no doubt—extraordinary individuals whom you are today.
I am writing to you, not to excuse my absence from your life, nor to attempt justification for the choices I have made, not even to convince you of my version of events, but because I want you to know that your absence has been felt deeply. There have been countless times in which I would have loved to hear you laugh, joined you in an activity, or simply to have been in your company. This, though, was not to have been and for this, I apologise for any blame I carry.
When your mother and I separated things occurred that you witnessed, things which were inappropriate and no doubt upsetting for you. You were unfairly positioned in the middle of a situation that was not of your making, and one over which you had no control. I cannot imagine what this must have felt like to you and I am sorry for my role in placing you there. The adults in your life owed you more and, collectively, we failed you. I am certain you have explored your recollections from the period with those who were present, as well as the various professionals involved at the time and after. I tried to not expose you to my perceptions, feelings and frustrations, though I am certain this will have proven ineffective at times.
(I would ask that one day, when you feel ready, that you investigate something known as the Rashomon effect; the term refers to the observance of an event in which the definitive facts and evidence cannot conclusively be established due to the witnesses’ testimony being both contradictory and disparate in nature.)
One day, when you are ready, I would be delighted to be part of your lives once more, to share in your story and be part of your journey. The people around us shape our experiences, our impressions of the world, and your absence has left a void within me. You will always have a special place in my heart, and are always welcome—and very much wanted—here. You are missed more than words can convey, please know this.
With all my love, always, Dad xxx
[ neilbarnfather.com ]